Tuesday, 21 May 2013

Men's Violence towards Women
(I know that there are cases of women who are violent towards men, but in comparison, they are rare. By far the most common form of gender violence comes from men.)
Domestic violence is just one example of male violence. Gender violence also includes leering, cat calling, sexual harassment, inappropriate touching, rape, sexual abuse of children of both sexes; in fact, any act which reinforces the idea that the victim is not a valuable human being, but an object to be used for the perpetrator's satisfaction and pleasure.
It's all about the aggressor having the power to force another person to be submissive to his will.
In our society, we define gender violence as a ‘women’s issue’. We need to understand how this came about, in order to begin to address the issue.
The language we use will help to explain how.
Consider the following sentences:
John beat Mary.
This is a clear statement of what John did. The subject of the sentence is John.
Mary was beaten by John.
This states the same activity in the passive case. John still beat Mary, but now Mary is the subject of the sentence. It states what happened to Mary. John’s involvement now seems less visible.
Mary was beaten.
You will notice that John’s actions have now disappeared from this scenario.
Mary was battered.
This is just a statement of what happened to Mary, with no mention at all of John’s involvement.
Mary is a battered woman.
Notice how we have moved from a statement about John and his actions, to a statement about Mary, describing who or what she is, without even considering the cause.
Victim Blame
We have now moved into the area of ‘victim blame’, raising all sorts of judgements about Mary; about how she allowed this to happen.
Consider the following frequently heard statements:
She probably deserved it.
She probably asked for it.
She’s one of those women who always attract this type of guy.
If she left him, she would go for another guy who would do the same.
What does she expect when she dresses like that.
Why did she drink with those guys in the hotel room.
She’s just a ‘prick teaser’.
This even applies to sexual abuse of minors, young girls, and young boys. Our society frequently holds the view that the child was partly to blame. Most victims of violence and sexual abuse feel some responsibility for what happened, even though the responsibility is not theirs.
Women and children who are victims are seldom believed, even by the authorities. In many cases, children especially may be pressured to remain silent, so as not to bring shame on the family.
I could go on.
Gender violence is not a women's issue – it is a men's issue. Not only the responsibility of the perpetrators, but also of the bystanders, who observe this sort of behaviour, and do nothing. They, too, are responsible. Every victim is someone's mother, sister, daughter.
Also responsible are the institutions which turn a blind eye – the Church, especially the Catholic Church, and organisations such as the BBC. In all these cases, the men at the top either fail to see the problem, or pretend it doesn't exist, or actively cover it up.
Women who stand up and speak out are often labelled as anti-male (in some cases this accusation is true, but understandable), and because of this, remain unheard. Men must be prepared to stand up and say those things that need to be said.
It's not just about becoming more sensitive; it's about leadership. We need men who are in positions of power to make a stand. Men who are in charge of the media, and especially the pornography and prostitution industry. Yes I am aware that some women who work in these industries do so voluntarily, as a choice, but too many are forced into it through poverty, drug addiction, fear and physical violence.
We must also be aware that the typical mindset of young males is conditioned, a result of the culture into which they are born. In many cases they don't have a realistic choice.
You may ask: “What difference can I make?”
The only difference each of can make is to be an example, to our families, to other men, in the workplace, in social situations, in spreading the word that this is a men's issue.
The start of the process of change is awareness; the awareness that this is not a women's issue. Until we alter our perception, change cannot occur.

Tuesday, 30 April 2013


The American Declaration of Independence on 4 July 1776 states:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

(I won't mention that this did not apply to blacks or women, who were obviously not created equal. It seems to have only applied to male WASPs, White Anglo-Saxon Protestants.)

I could argue that none of these is a "Right", but I am going to concentrate on the third, "The Pursuit Of Happiness."  This suggests that happiness is a goal to be pursued; an end to be reached; a destination to travel towards; an aim to be achieved.

In other words, it suggests that happiness is a future state that we can attain.

This is the same as saying "I will be happy when ............."

In other words, I will be happy at some time in the future, when I have achieved whatever goals I have set myself; a new job; a new wife; a sum of money in the bank; a new car; a new, bigger home; a divorce; and so on.

But this is ridiculous.


Wednesday, 24 April 2013

Dysfunctional Families and How To Survive Them

Yinka Shonibare
The most difficult job we have in life is to raise children – and it’s a job for which there is no training.

The only training we do get is the experience we gained from our own upbringing.  We are trained by our parents; by how they raised us, and they in turn were trained by their parents.

If we were raised in a dysfunctional family, then we will tend to raise our children the same way. The damage done to us will affect the way we treat our children. The dysfunctional behaviours will go down the generations.

However, if we can understand why our parents treated us the way they did, and if, because of this understanding, we can have some compassion for them, we can break the cycle, and avoid behaving the same way towards our children.

If we do this, we will stop the damage going down the generations. Our actions will have an effect like ripples on a pond – they will set a more positive example to more and more people, and will affect many people’s lives. I can’t think of a more positive contribution to humanity.

So, why are some families dysfunctional?

Sunday, 14 April 2013

You Are Totally Responsible

You Are Responsible

No Reason, Just a Great Picture
The message here is:

‘I will never blame anyone or anything for where I am in my life.’

NOT:  my parents, my friends, my work colleagues, my teachers, my peers, my neighbours, my boss, the government, the bank manager, the bank rate, the weather, the weather forecasters, not anyone, nor anything, for where I am in my life.


Let’s say you decide to go for a long drive, without any particular destination in mind. You come to a junction or roundabout. You choose which exit to follow. You continue to the next junction or roundabout and, once again, you choose which road to take. After doing this a number of times, you may find yourself at a place you would rather not be.

Isn’t it obvious that you cannot blame anyone or anything for where you are? You drove there. You chose the route to follow at every intersection. You were in the driving seat.

This is just like life’s journey.

How To Experience The NOW moment

The Present Moment is All There Is.

Think of a time when you’ve been totally engrossed in a book or a film, to the point that you’re not even aware you exist. This is present moment experience. You aren’t comparing your experience with any past memories. You are just experiencing the NOW moment.

Maybe you have experienced driving when suddenly you’ve ‘woken up’ to discover that you’ve covered many miles, through intersections and traffic lights without being aware of it. The real you was in control.

What’s happening is that your ego has been switched off by the intensity of the experience. The continual internal chatter which goes on in your mind all the time, is silenced. Your thinking processes have stopped. You’re completely open to the NOW experience. This is how it would be if you couldn’t remember the past.